OWN THE ROOM
When’s the last time you saw a guy walk into the bar or party looking useless and confused? Okay, so it was yesterday. Were you interested in him? No? Shocker. That’s because most guys walk into a place with a purpose. Unless they’re looking for a space to park their binder filled with original Star Trek drawings, they’re looking for friends or women. And you should look the same. When you walk into a place, act like you know where the hell you’re going, even if you don’t. Everyone will wonder who you are and why you’re there, but they’ll never think you’re useless and confused.
EYE YOUR PREY
Got your eye on someone? Good. Don’t shy away. Look him straight in the eye and think, “You should be attached to my lips by now, why aren’t you?” Trust me, he’ll read your thoughts like they’re projected above your head on a widescreen.
Look. No one cares about what anyone else has to say. They just don’t. But what you have to do is pretend that you do. Ask about their life, their job, their parents, anything to keep them talking. Because the more fake interest you show in them, the easier it is to disarm them. Guys are used to talking about themselves, as are we all, but if you actually fake an interest, they kind of don’t know what to do. Like puppies trapped in a cage in the window of a pet shop, they are addicted to the interest you show in them. Tap the glass. Watch them lick your fingers.
You’re at the bar, you’re talking with him, it’s been hours, and still nothing has happened. Do us all a favor. Kiss the idiot. For one thing, he’s not going to not appreciate it. For another, if you don’t do it, someone else will.
There are two ways to take control of a situation like this, whether you’re at a bar or a wedding or an inauguration.
Way #1: Lean forward and say, “You have the cutest lips!”
Way #2: Lean forward and say, “Are you going to kiss me now or WHAT?”
Way #2, obviously, puts the ball in his court and makes him feel in control, even though, really, you’ve just instructed him to kiss you, which is pretty much what you wanted him to do in the first place.
You can always take control by just telling him to do what he probably wanted to do anyway; whether it’s kissing you or getting you a cab home. Tell him what to do. He’ll like it.
SEX IS ALWAYS ON THE MENU
Do you want sex? No, really, do you? Because men do. And that’s pretty much all they want from you until they get to know you and your sense of humor and how you put on your shoes in that cute way that no one else does. And until you realize that sex is not an invitation to boyfriendville, you’re screwed.
He just wants to have sex with you. And you? You want to have sex with him. So do it already. Enjoy it. Tell him what you want. Make him your momentary love slave. And after it’s over?
Make him sleep in the wet spot.
NEVER EXCHANGE ALL YOUR INFORMATION
This is so incredibly important. Give him your name. Give him a fake cell number. In this age of the internet, anyone can find you if they want to, but, that being said, it doesn’t mean you should hand out your cell phone number to every last guy you happen to sleep with. Tell him what you do for a living, but don’t tell him where you work. Give him your email address, but don’t tell him what you do. Do not divulge all of your personal details. Why?
BECAUSE HE WILL CALL YOU.
And you will not want him to. And you will be all, “Oh. Hi. Yeah. Um…” And he will be all, “Yeah. You. And me. And…” And you will feel like a man for the first time in your life and you will say, “It was really nice meeting you the other night, but I have to floss my cat three times a day and I’m in charge of the electricity for the Chrysler building and why don’t we just…hook up later in the year. When I’m willing to?” And he will be all sad and lonely and want to see you again and you will think, “Wait, who IS this guy?” And then you will be sorry that you handed out your personal information to a potential stalker.
CALLING IS OPTIONAL
So you’ve had sex. Good for you! Guess what? You never have to talk to each other ever again if you don’t want to. Know why? It’s not required to talk after sex. If you had a good time but you don’t want to date him, don’t call him. If you had a good time and you do want to date him…don’t call him. Know why? Because you just had a one-night stand. And one night stands, barring unforeseen circumstances, will never wind up in a relationship.
ONE NIGHT STANDS ARE FUN
Not to go all Samantha on you or anything, but seriously – one night stands are awesome. No muss no fuss, no strings, possibly good sex, no worry about the following morning or possible dating situations, one night stands…they have their merit. Do we all want a sexual partner with whom we can tell our deepest secrets and joys? Sure. Do we all want the occasional bang up against a chain-link fence behind a bar with no consequences? Hell. Yeah. Never shall the two meet. Unless we’re really lucky.
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